BRPD Blotter: JULY

Updated: Jul 29


A Summary of the Month’s Most ... Interesting Criminals and their Crimes

07/01 - First Blood - A monkey was arrested for begging. They were sentenced to an eternity in the BANANO Republic wearing those tiny plastic hands.

07/02 - A bunny got the boot and a big “fuck you buddy” after ruining a classic 1-10 game. The rabbit has not been seen since the incident, and (purely coincidentally) was absent for the Jungle’s Stew Sunday.

07/05 - A BRPD officer arrested themselves for being a bad friend. Once behind bars, the officer began to baton themselves in the shins repeatedly.

07/06 - A user was arrested after naming themselves God and offering free child molestation.

07/11 - A monkey who had too much to drink stumbled into the Jungle begging for donations towards their friend’s bachelor party. Police had to delete multiple incidents of posting a ban_address, and ended up having no choice but to throw them in the drunk tank overnight.

07/13 - An officer demonstrated one of the most serious abuses of power in BANANO Republic history when they proceeded to arrest 14 people simultaneously. When reporters asked the officer what all 14 people did to get arrested, the officer responded, “what 14 people?”

07/16 - A user was banned after what can only be summarized as “a monkey flinging poo for a year straight”. A printing of records would have deforested the entire Republic of Banano.

07/17 - Honestly, the guy was just a JACKASS. Don’t act like this guy.

07/18 - A bot claiming to send Cool Quotes was arrested for sending uncool quotes. Moderators poured a can of Coca Cola down the bot’s circuit board and tombstoned it down a flight of steps.

07/25 - Two monkeys were taken into custody after posting pictures of male and female tiddies, because equality.


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