Your destiny was determined by the position of the Great Banana in the Sky and when you were born. Choice is an illusion. Ancient BanFam developed a method of foretelling your future known as the Horoscope.
Let it be known.
Aries (The Ram): March 21 - April 19
A substantial gust of wind is about to send you into an unanticipated direction, Aries. It might come from the front, it might come from the back. It may even come from within. We can’t tell you from where it will appear.. or emerge.. we can only tell you that it will be prompt, it be powerful, and it will be pungent. Whether its a beer burp or a beef stew, be prepared to vacate the area.
Taurus (The Bull): April 20 - May 20
You’re going to be tempted to re-invent a part of yourself this month, Taurus. You’re sick of looking at the same old bull, and it’s time to be impulsive - take chances - and cut off the excess! Normally we don’t recommend somebody of.. your capabilities.. to wield scissors, but hair cuts are a great way to temporarily change it up. May we recommend experimenting with the hair .. *ahem*.. less seen. Worst case scenario, your pubes now have a purple faux hawk. Best case scenario, your pubes now have a purple faux hawk.
Are you feeling a little stifled, Gemini? Too many restrictions and rules? The reality is, science changes all the time; what was once true before can quickly become untrue. Ignore what your doctors tell you. Ignore what the Internet has been telling you. All of the medical evidence that suggests your body rejects dairy, spice, gluten, and peanuts should be ignored. If the brain and body don’t agree with each other, can you really decide who’s right?
Cancer (The Crab): June 21 - July 22
What’s that word you use when you feel you’ve already seen an exact scenario play out before? Oh yeah. Déjà vu. Well, guess what, Cancer: we deja vu you wearing that outfit for the third day in a row, now. We’re not judging you, we are guiding you. If the time has come for you to do clean up, this is the sign you’ve been looking for. They say the skunk cant smell its own stink, but apparently neither can the crab. That’s why we’re here!
Leo (The Lion): July 23 - August 22
That horrifying embarrassing thing that comes into your thoughts every time there is a free moment in your brain is going to be remembered by somebody else. All those times people told you that you’re the only one who still thinks about it are going to become untrue. Definitely reach out to everybody who witnessed or heard about it and once again explain what happened. This will for sure stop everybody, including you, from ever thinking about it again.
Virgo (The Virgin): August 23 - September 22
All these months of doing nothing have lead you to be eager to get out and experience whatever the world has to offer. Well Virgo, this is that opportunity. Expect a phone call from that person who usually includes you in stuff you normally cancel on. You’re going to be excited about this the whole time up until the last minute, because you put off showering. On second thoughts, maybe find a way to get out of this one.
Libra (The Scales): September 23 - October 22
You are going to step in shit, Libra. It could be in work, in personal relationships, in finances, or in feces. Metaphorically or literally, it’s bound to happen. The Great Banana in the Sky does not offer you comfort, nor pity. But it does offer some suggestions. Basically, you have two options on how you can handle this: You can hide from the world or you can walk around barefoot.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): October 23 - November 21
Goods news, Scorpio! Your favourite coffee shop is opening back up, and you’re dying to go pay money to sit in a comfortable chair and sip a specialized espresso-type beverage, just like old times. Finally, you can ground yourself in the grounds of coffee. It’s time to resume pretending to write that book. Wear your glasses with non-prescription lenses and a turtle neck even though the weather suggests a T-shirt. Nobody gets you anyway.
Sagittarius (The Archer): November 22 - December 21
You have been looking forward to having company come over for quite some time now, Sagittarius. You can’t wait to wake up at 6am and run the vacuum, the dishwasher, the washer/dryer, and clean every inch of the house. You will consider leaving a pillow askew to give the illusion that the space has been recently lived in. When company shows up, you will apologize for the mess.
Capricorn (The Goat): December 22 - January 19
Lucky you, Capricorn. You have to go to that place where there is no parking. You know.. that forces you to squeeze your crapshoot on wheels between two expensive cars on a busy road. Listen to us. This time, you are going to make these streets your bitch. Time to circle the block a few times, slowing down periodically, and abruptly slamming on the brakes when you think you’ve found the perfect spot. All of those people honking are cheering you on.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): January 20 - February 18
The person you have been trying to have sex with is suddenly going to lower their standards to exactly your level. All of those months of suggestive 🔥 and 👀 emojis have been working their magic. Invite them over, Aquarius. Time to rub some toothpaste around your mouth with your finger and half-heartedly make your bed and spray it with air freshener. There is no better time to strike than now.
Pisces (The Fish): February 19 - March 20
It’s time to take a break from social media, Pieces. You’ve been consumed by the exaggerated depictions of people living much more lavish lifestyles than your own for far too long, and you are watching life pass you by. Put the cellphone, the laptop, the tablet away, you’re stuck inside swimming in circles. Decide what you will do with these 3 minutes of freedom and make sure you make the most of them.