A Summary of the Month’s Most ... Interesting Criminals and their Crimes
06/01 - First Blood - A repeat offender was arrested for once again over-discussing and shilling a questionable service. The cuffed monkey‘s head was shoved in a toilet and swirlied for a period of 23 seconds.
06/03 - A group takedown of multiple monkeys was successfully performed by a single officer. When reporters approached the caged monkeys, all that could be heard was indiscernible screaming in Portuguese.
06/05 - A bad Your Mama joke was made. Police arrested on-scene and allowed all the Moms on the server free shots to the perp’s body before he was jammed in a cob car.
06/06 - A monkey was arrested for repeatedly making sexually suggestive and explicit comments towards another monkey. Moderators took an ink print of the culprit’s benis for future criminal investigation and identification.
06/11 - A beggar was arrested for being an ungrateful twat. There is no further information.
06/17 - Moderators caught and punished over 5 accounts from the same user, all claiming to be new. Mods managed to persuade them into a yellow van with “surprise party” written on the side in marker, and the van was driven off of a cliff.
06/23 - A monkey became irrationally angry after being questioned by authorities for bragging about the existence of an alt account. The incident has been ongoing for several days, with no end in sight. Locals to the area report that distant echoes of the F word can be heard through the mountains.
06/27 - An individual with similar likeness to the current standing POTUS was taken into custody after starting religious rants which erupted through the public channels. The evidence showed that, against people’s better understanding of how things work, a human can be a monkey and a donkey at the same time.