Updated: Apr 1, 2020
Your destiny was predetermined by the position of the Great Banana in the Sky and when you were born. Ancient BanFam developed a method of foretelling your future known as Horoscope.
Let it be known.
Aries (The Ram): March 21 - April 19
When you‘re out walking this afternoon, you will see a piece of trash blowing down the road. Reflect on past relationships and those who have hurt you, Aries. The trash signifies the people in your life you want to get rid of and the wind signifies the restless place they hold in your soul. You want to pick up the trash and throw it away for good, but traffic is so busy you risk being run over. Decide against the danger and call your toxic ex to tell them all about what a great choice you just made.
Taurus (The Bull): April 20 - May 20
Knitting has always been a calming force in your life. The soft, rhythmic, click click of the needles drowns away the noise of your busy day and puts you into a ASMR trance. As the scarf slowly but steadily cascades off the needles you think about time and its relentless march into the unknown. Your life is passing you by and you need to make the most of it. Click, click, click, click. Now is your chance, Taurus. You should learn how to knit instead of just watching videos of it on YouTube.
Your dishwasher is going to break. Your partner will be home when the water starts to pour into the basement. They'll call you in a panic and you'll be all like "did you turn the water off" and they'll be like "of course I did, how dumb do you think I am" and you'll be like "then why did you call me?" and they'll be like "I just can't deal right now". Use Google to find the best ways to break up over text message.
Cancer (The Crab): June 21 - July 22
Sometimes choices in life are hard. As a Cancer, you know you have to stop your bad habits but you don't know where to start. Deep down you know that cotton candy is bad for you but you just can't imagine your life without it. Take a small step, Cancer. Start substituting cotton candy with caramel apples. Once your teeth are all ripped out from the caramel it will be hard to eat anything, well, except cotton candy.
Leo (The Lion): July 23 - August 22
Hit the gym today, Leo. You've been paying the membership for a few years now but only went that one time. Walk on the treadmill until you get a little sweat built up. Make many trips to the water fountain and look at your phone a lot like something really important just came in. Move over to the elliptical and try to figure out the menu. Ah well, that's enough for today. Just going was a big step, Leo. When you get home from the gym, watch some clips of people at Muscle Beach. Skip the gym tomorrow because you're too sore.
Virgo (The Virgin): August 23 - September 22
Message that one-time sexual partner from a few years ago today to go on a date. Their schedule has an opening and they've been thinking about you. They definitely didn't get married, have children, move out of state, get a huge promotion, and build a second house in Italy. You've been on roll lately, Virgo. Keep that momentum going. You've rolled three 200+ point games this week and won $100 on a rip ticket. Hooking up in your truck after a few beers at the bowling alley is a sure thing.
Libra (The Scales): September 23 - October 22
Today is your day, Libra. Take a big stretch, inhale the stale, salty aroma of your armpits, and get in the shower to wash off the stink. You will rinse yourself off and step out only to realize you have nothing clean to wear. Well, looks like today is actually your laundry day, Libra. Don’t make that face. You'll grab your last clean sweater and put it on and realize your pet puked on it. Time to get back in the shower- and maybe use soap this time.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): October 23 - November 21
Sometimes life just moves too fast and we forget the little things. Take a walk to open your mind today, Scorpio. Okay.. okay.. Pacing back and forth and staring at the ground is fine too. Maybe you’ll find something new, or better yet, see something old in a new light. Don’t be afraid to look in untouched places to find what you’re looking for. Clear out the cobwebs and let in the light. Stretch your limits. Thrust into your problems. Explode with.. Wait.. Sorry, what were we talking about again? Oh yeah. Right. Do you see what we are getting at, Scorpio? Hint, hint.
Sagittarius (The Archer): November 22 - December 21
Do not answer your phone for awhile, Sagittarius. An old friend has just remembered you owe them $17 from that time you invited them to try this hipster vegan restaurant for lunch with you and you “forgot” your wallet. The food wasn’t even that good and it made you gassy. Change your voicemail by using a new name and an unpolished fake accent, and lay low until it all blows over. You won’t be caught paying $17 for that fake cheese.
Capricorn (The Goat): December 22 - January 19
You know you’re not shy about eating leftovers, Capricorn, and it’s not time to start now! Dig deep and find that questionable plastic container at the back of your fridge, and just go for it. The chances of you getting violently ill are only slightly higher than your chances of getting super powers. We don’t know what kind of super powers you could get from eating unidentifiable remains, but there’s only one way to find out (And please write to us if you do).
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): January 20 - February 18
It’s time to let the money flow, Water Bearer! Buy it all! We know you've been told to save your coins, but to hell with that! Get those shoes that light up when you walk. Throw a quinceanera for yourself. You know that onesie with a matching outfit for your dog? Definitely buy that. Spend $10,000 on a Renaissance themed oil painting of yourself. How about the memecoin that your friends and family don’t understand? Buy that, too.
Pisces (The Fish): February 19 - March 20
Now is your moment to kick those ambitions of being the World’s Most Beloved Freelance Artist-Comedian-Health Guru-Rapper-Model-DJ-Vlogger-Writer-Inventor-Hot Dog Eating Champion-Entrepreneur into high gear. You were born to be in the spotlight for something, baby! Don’t stop promoting yourself on Facebook Marketplace. Keep singing to the people at the laundromat. Eventually, you will shill to the right person.