Your destiny was determined by the position of the Great Banana in the Sky and when you were born. Choice is an illusion. Ancient BanFam developed a method of foretelling your future known as the Horoscope.
Let it be known.
Aries (The Ram): March 21 - April 19
You’ve always had a green thumb, Aries, and since the sun is starting to come out, it’s time to break out your gardening crap. Your neighbour just got new tools, and coincidentally, you two have been competing lawns. You know the title of Best Lawn on the Block belongs to you. Suppose you wander over while nobody’s home to get a “closer look”. At least if their tools go missing, they already know where to get new ones. Because you know what pairs well with a green thumb? Red hands.
Taurus (The Bull): April 20 - May 20
Your friends are finally going to invite you over to swim again after you were caught peeing in their pool. You still don’t know how they found out; you thought nobody could see you and you waved your arms and legs around underwater very unsuspiciously. But, everybody deserves second chances. Don’t let this haunt you forever. Make new memories. Take a shit in their pool and we guarantee the pee thing won’t be such a big deal anymore.
You are the master of many faces, Gemini, but you haven’t been utilizing them properly. There is a lot of untapped potential here that we don’t even think you realize. So, why don’t we just spell it out for you: F R E E S A M P L E S. That’s right. Put those multiple personalities and their matching outfits to good use and get yourself some snacks. Each of you deserves it.
Cancer (The Crab): June 21 - July 22
You aren’t much for planning ahead, Cancer, and it has never steered you wrong before. But one of these days, you’re going to regret not being prepared. We can’t tell you exactly how— You may wear white on a bad day to wear white. Your phone may die at an inconvenient place or time. You may get to the end of the toilet paper roll and not have a backup, so you gotta rip off lil pieces. All we have to say is, if wiping your ass with confetti won’t teach you to plan, nothing will.
Leo (The Lion): July 23 - August 22
You have had a lot on your mind recently, Leo. Amongst all the inner and outer chaos of the life you lead, it makes sense that you may miss important steps in your regular routine. For example: You will get out of the shower and realize you have no towel, so naturally, you will have to dry off with your dirty clothes. It could be worse. Use these moments of flossing your butthole with your favourite t-shirt and let them humble you.
Virgo (The Virgin): August 23 - September 22
You have a bad habit of indulging when you should be saving, Virgo. It’s time to start living below your means, and cutting corners to make some of that cash back. Start by swapping out your bed and investing in a futon. Save this morning’s now cereal-flavoured milk for tomorrow’s breakfast. Reuse dental floss. Okay, it may be a bit bold to assume that our readers practice oral hygiene - but you know where to pinch those pennies!
Libra (The Scales): September 23 - October 22
It’s finally time to mow the lawn, Libra. We know it isn’t your favourite chore, and the Great Banana has heard your pleas for mercy. Expect your lawn mower to break down in perfect timing. You’ll look up into the house and see your S/O staring at you through the window. Don’t blow this perfect opportunity to push the dead machine up and down your lawn while practising your best mower noises.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): October 23 - November 21
An old lover may start trying to make themselves a more persistent presence in your life, Scorpio. You parted ways to “work on yourselves”, but in reality, they were the only one who needed to change. Agree to catch up with them and be sure to include your most recent proud accomplishments. Definitely mention how the yoga you have been practicing has now perfected your toe-nail biting technique, etc., etc..
Sagittarius (The Archer): November 22 - December 21
You have had a hard stretch for the last little while, Archer. It’s time to shoot forward! The Great Banana says something really good is coming your way. It could be a BIG thing. It could be a little thing. Hell, it could be nothing. You know what? It’s probably nothing. But it’s all about your attitude, right? Get out there and appreciate nothing. Maybe you’ll find something.
Capricorn (The Goat): December 22 - January 19
Time to shampoo and soap it up. Your shower will run at half pressure briefly, Capricorn. Take this as a sign that your life is about to get less stressful. Time to relax and let it all hang loose. But for goodness sake, we know you’re supposed to remain 6 feet apart at all times, but we can smell your goat’s breath for miles. Brush your teeth.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): January 20 - February 18
You just watched 3 motivational fitness videos on YouTube, eaten a whole takeout pizza, and drank 2L of pop. What better time is there to start trying an incredibly high difficulty, high commitment workout routine, and get those gains you've always wanted? The perfect opportunity to add a life changing habit to your schedule is when the rest of your schedule is out of whack. Ignore the vomit churning in your stomach and give it your all!
Pisces (The Fish): February 19 - March 20
You may find yourself replacing multiple bulbs in your living space, Pisces. Consider this a message that it’s time to be your own source of power. We also read somewhere that there is a certain level of scream intensity that can heat up a cup of coffee. Get two birds stoned at once and test to see how hard you have to scream to get your bulbs back in working order, and your life.