The current Derpes pandemic has swept across the nation, bringing a whirlwind of panic and speculation. What is Derpes? Will it affect me and my loved ones? Where did Derpes come from?
Some news sources suggest that the origins of Derpes relate back to Ceefs. The Back Daddy of Banano was recently diagnosed with the most serious case of Derpes recorded yet, making him the epicentre of the entire pandemic. A shocking 1919 others have tested positive for Derpes, 119 of which report to have had relations with Ceefs within the last few months.
The virus affects young and old, rich and poor - nobody is safe. The Daily Peel has received intel on various public figures who have contracted Derpes, the list of which includes the very famous Tom Hanks and NANO Boy Toy Colin LeMahieu.
At this time, there is no data to suggest how long symptoms of Derpes will take to set in after exposure. It could be days, weeks, or months before exhibiting symptoms of derpiness.
Some symptoms may include:
derpy face
derpy speech
general derpiness
death
Reporters managed to capture an exclusive photo where a mass-derpicide occurred, taking 8 lives.
The pandemic has spawned new problems, including a potential global financial collapse. BANANO Dictator Renesq released a public statement to the Jungles, which The Daily Peel has provided below:
“Citizens of the BANANO Republic
Unfortunately we announce that ChocolateFudCake has recently been quarantined with a severe case of Derpes.
The Dictators of the Banano Republic urge all Citizens: get tested for Derpes. If you have come into close contact with anybody, especially Ceefs, we warn you to take this seriously. You don’t want to end up like the others.
Also buy BAN.”
The Daily Peel would like to remind everybody that you should still be washing your hands and your benis after every social and physical encounter.